Wednesday, September 1, 2010I've never been good at saying goodbye. Even going into my fourth year living away from home, my heart is still aching, my nose is still running, my eyes are still tearing up, at the thought of leaving home.
I remember whenever I used to leave for Science and Math, my mom would tease me to get me to stop crying. "Save your tears, Cindy. You know you're going to have a great time." The first day that she and Daddy dropped me off at NCSSM, she told me she wouldn't miss me, because she knew I was going to be just fine, I was going to completely enjoy myself. The thought was comforting.
And she was right.
For me, the pain after parting is seldom as strong as the pain right before doing so. After saying goodbye, another exciting world was just a planeride or busride away. So it was during NCSSM, so it was during freshmen year, and so it will be during sophomore year.
Or will it?
I've been looking forward to this year all summer. I've told myself that freshmen year is just a preview; the college journey truly begins during sophomore year. And I'm taking full advantage of the journey. I'm taking six courses, half in the College and half in Wharton. I have two interviews lined up for an on-campus job, two leadership positions that I'm devoted to, and an incoming freshmen class at GCC that I'm excited to welcome, love, and serve. I feel like the true college experience has only just begun.
At the same time, I'm honestly quite terrified. Everybody talks about the sophomore slump like it's this inevitable, yet highly overrated experience. I've brushed it off by saying that I'm not like that, I've dealt with the only child syndrome before, I've found my sense of self-worth in more than other people's pampering and attention, and I'm self-sufficient.
But deep down, I'm nervous.
This is a year that counts. The previews are over, the movie's beginning, and the critics are judging. I feel like the pressure at Wharton is finally starting to sink in. I know it seems really superficial, but I worry about not being in the right school, not taking the right classes or working toward the right concentration. I feel like I've carried this image of being so put together, so on top of things, so confident, but when push comes to shove, I'm scared everything will just blow up in my face.
Before I left Penn in May, I shared my prayer requests with my sisters in GCC 2013. I told them about my plans for the summer, to fundraise for my friend Sarah, and I told them my biggest prayer request was that God would grow me this summer. I think back then, in my mind, I had something really huge planned. I thought I would be doing my devotions for at least an hour each day, leading a Bible study at my home church, serving joyfully every week in the preschool ministry, serving my family at home.
God had something a lot more humbling planned for me. I think He was trying to show me that the reason I couldn't achieve all that I'd listed in my mind this summer spiritually, was because I was a lot farther than I thought I was from where I'd wanted to be. I was a lot more damaged and broken, prideful and sinful, than I was willing to admit, even to myself. Thus, even my summer goals were just a bit too high. When it came down to it, my expectations of myself were too high.
While that may seem like a lack of faith in the way that God can transform people, quite honestly, I think of it as God's lesson to me in humility. There were times during my summer when I asked God why He didn't work the way I'd prayed for Him to. I asked God why He didn't transform my heart the way I'd wanted Him to.
And right now, at the end of the summer, I feel like He's put His finger on the areas of my heart where I've obviously not surrendered over to Him. My aspirations, my academics, my social interactions, my sense of self-worth, my insecurities, my fears, my hopes, my dreams, my will.
I was packing a bit earlier and I really couldn't take the nervousness anymore. I think being at home for almost four months has made me forget how I ever survived away from it. Again, it sounds silly because this will be the fourth year that I've studied away from home, but once again, I couldn't imagine how I'll ever manage.
I told myself that at times like these, the only thing you can really do is just rest in Christ. I think atheists would scorn this as weakness- running into the arms of the Highest Power during times of earthly distress- but I consider it a much-needed expression of humility.
And no, the two are not the same thing.
I'm learning bit by bit to acknowledge my weaknesses and recognize that in my weakness is the beginning of God's perfect work.
Praise God for being the Rock we can rely on.
I remember whenever I used to leave for Science and Math, my mom would tease me to get me to stop crying. "Save your tears, Cindy. You know you're going to have a great time." The first day that she and Daddy dropped me off at NCSSM, she told me she wouldn't miss me, because she knew I was going to be just fine, I was going to completely enjoy myself. The thought was comforting.
And she was right.
For me, the pain after parting is seldom as strong as the pain right before doing so. After saying goodbye, another exciting world was just a planeride or busride away. So it was during NCSSM, so it was during freshmen year, and so it will be during sophomore year.
Or will it?
I've been looking forward to this year all summer. I've told myself that freshmen year is just a preview; the college journey truly begins during sophomore year. And I'm taking full advantage of the journey. I'm taking six courses, half in the College and half in Wharton. I have two interviews lined up for an on-campus job, two leadership positions that I'm devoted to, and an incoming freshmen class at GCC that I'm excited to welcome, love, and serve. I feel like the true college experience has only just begun.
At the same time, I'm honestly quite terrified. Everybody talks about the sophomore slump like it's this inevitable, yet highly overrated experience. I've brushed it off by saying that I'm not like that, I've dealt with the only child syndrome before, I've found my sense of self-worth in more than other people's pampering and attention, and I'm self-sufficient.
But deep down, I'm nervous.
This is a year that counts. The previews are over, the movie's beginning, and the critics are judging. I feel like the pressure at Wharton is finally starting to sink in. I know it seems really superficial, but I worry about not being in the right school, not taking the right classes or working toward the right concentration. I feel like I've carried this image of being so put together, so on top of things, so confident, but when push comes to shove, I'm scared everything will just blow up in my face.
Before I left Penn in May, I shared my prayer requests with my sisters in GCC 2013. I told them about my plans for the summer, to fundraise for my friend Sarah, and I told them my biggest prayer request was that God would grow me this summer. I think back then, in my mind, I had something really huge planned. I thought I would be doing my devotions for at least an hour each day, leading a Bible study at my home church, serving joyfully every week in the preschool ministry, serving my family at home.
God had something a lot more humbling planned for me. I think He was trying to show me that the reason I couldn't achieve all that I'd listed in my mind this summer spiritually, was because I was a lot farther than I thought I was from where I'd wanted to be. I was a lot more damaged and broken, prideful and sinful, than I was willing to admit, even to myself. Thus, even my summer goals were just a bit too high. When it came down to it, my expectations of myself were too high.
While that may seem like a lack of faith in the way that God can transform people, quite honestly, I think of it as God's lesson to me in humility. There were times during my summer when I asked God why He didn't work the way I'd prayed for Him to. I asked God why He didn't transform my heart the way I'd wanted Him to.
And right now, at the end of the summer, I feel like He's put His finger on the areas of my heart where I've obviously not surrendered over to Him. My aspirations, my academics, my social interactions, my sense of self-worth, my insecurities, my fears, my hopes, my dreams, my will.
I was packing a bit earlier and I really couldn't take the nervousness anymore. I think being at home for almost four months has made me forget how I ever survived away from it. Again, it sounds silly because this will be the fourth year that I've studied away from home, but once again, I couldn't imagine how I'll ever manage.
I told myself that at times like these, the only thing you can really do is just rest in Christ. I think atheists would scorn this as weakness- running into the arms of the Highest Power during times of earthly distress- but I consider it a much-needed expression of humility.
And no, the two are not the same thing.
I'm learning bit by bit to acknowledge my weaknesses and recognize that in my weakness is the beginning of God's perfect work.
Praise God for being the Rock we can rely on.
9:59 PM |
Monday, May 17, 2010There is something therapeutic about the gentle ostinato of rain.
The rain outside my window right now is redonkulous.
And I am loving it.
I love looking outside and watching the raindrops bounce back up after they hit the ground.
It reminds me of resilience in life.
I'd like to fall asleep to the sound of pouring rain for the rest of my life. :3
Praise God for His nourishment!
The rain outside my window right now is redonkulous.
And I am loving it.
I love looking outside and watching the raindrops bounce back up after they hit the ground.
It reminds me of resilience in life.
I'd like to fall asleep to the sound of pouring rain for the rest of my life. :3
Praise God for His nourishment!
1:34 PM |
I did.
You may ask, what is that even supposed to be?
That, my friends, is the Pilates bicycle move.
And it is ridiculous.
I tried to get my back off of the ground and support myself just on my shoulders and arms, but it was ridiculously hard!
Maybe I just have a super weak core?
I've been working out with my stability ball for the past week and I'm happy to say that I feel the burn. I just kind of wish that I actually knew more about Pilates, such as how I'm supposed to get my body to turn and stay in the above manner.
Craziness! O_O;
You may ask, what is that even supposed to be?
That, my friends, is the Pilates bicycle move.
And it is ridiculous.
I tried to get my back off of the ground and support myself just on my shoulders and arms, but it was ridiculously hard!
Maybe I just have a super weak core?
I've been working out with my stability ball for the past week and I'm happy to say that I feel the burn. I just kind of wish that I actually knew more about Pilates, such as how I'm supposed to get my body to turn and stay in the above manner.
Craziness! O_O;
1:02 PM |
Saturday, May 15, 2010Right across the street from me.
It has been blaring music for a long time.
I'm surprised the Homeowners' Association hasn't sent someone over there to bust the party.
They busted my grandmother for planting squash in our backyard.
Meh.
It has been blaring music for a long time.
I'm surprised the Homeowners' Association hasn't sent someone over there to bust the party.
They busted my grandmother for planting squash in our backyard.
Meh.
11:50 PM |
Thursday, May 13, 2010I learned that in two ways today.
First, my little sister Anna's birthday was today! I woke up at 7AM and made the best pancakes that I have EVER made to greet her with a hearty breakfast. After I dropped Anna and our brother Daniel off at the bus stop, I chilled at home for about twenty minutes before starting out, armed with bottled water, on the 3 mile journey to Best Buy and Harris Teeter.
We (I bought it with my parents' money) got her an 8GB pink Sony Walkman mp3 player for the discounted price of $75! WHOA! Crazy what coolness you can find at your neighborhood Best Buy.
Then I crossed the street to buy three dozen Krispy Kreme donuts. You can imagine how ridiculous I must've looked to the drivers on the busy road as I walked back with my three boxes of Krispy Kremes and my wristlet and plastic Best Buy bag dangling from my arm.
I was really blessed to be able to eat lunch with Anna in her elementary school cafeteria, even if I did get yelled at by the cafeteria lady twice. The first time was because I started passing out the doughnuts to her class before the cups turned from red to green (meaning they could actually talk and have treats). The second time was because I sat down at the end of the table with the little girls, which I'm actually not supposed to do because they don't have enough seats for all the children and as such need visitors and their student hosts to sit at the overflow tables on the other side of the cafeteria. I don't remember cafeterias having so many rules, really. O.o
The kids thought I was a walking comedy show. When they were throwing their trays away one of the boys ran up to Anna and said, "YOUR SISTER IS SO AWESOME!" I was actually quite flattered. One of Anna's guy friends is taller than me. And he's in fourth grade. Meh.
Anna was excited about the special treatment and all the extra attention she was getting for having a much older sister who talks really fast and acts crazy in the cafeteria. I was excited that she was excited.
After Operation Anna Birthday Lunch ended with their lunch period at 11:55AM, I walked the two miles back home and began putting together songs for Anna's mp3 player. I promptly fell asleep two hours later and woke up in time to pick Anna and Daniel up from the bus stop at 4:15PM.
I hope that Anna's 10th birthday was memorable. Before I tucked her in at night I talked with her about the growing pains that she's feeling right now, especially when it comes to her relationship with our parents. I'm really thankful that God brought me home for this summer because I think it's a crucial time for Anna. I always worry that she feels like she's falling through the cracks of my family's busy lives, so I'm glad that God is giving me an opportunity to truly invest into her life close to home.
So Anna is one princess.
I am the second, and under uncanny circumstances.
You see, my 4.0 went out the window today with my B+ in OPIM. I'm not typically the person to freak out and analyze every little grade, but this one is significant because there's an important lesson that God's teaching me in this.
One of my blog posts earlier this year mentioned my desire to do well in my courses this past semester so that I could show myself that I could manage six courses for the rest of my Penn career. In order to get my two degrees in four years without making my parents pay extra for summer sessions, I'm going to have to take six classes a semester, and I started that this past semester.
OPIM isn't a class that I feel like I "fell behind in" because of my courseload. I actually think that OPIM was a wonderfully challenging course that stretched me to think, and think hard. I thought I understood the concepts pretty well, at least well enough to explain them to others when necessary. Because of this, I was really surprised today when I found out that 60% of my grade ended up being a 24/30, the average of my two exam grades. This put me under the A- range that I'd really been hoping for, and into the B+ range. So with the three grades for this semester that have been posted thus far, I have a GPA of 3.77. With the eight grades that I have so far for this year, I have a 3.91. That doesn't have a 4 or an 0 in it.
It might seem like I'm just moping about grades. How does all of this make me a princess?
Well, as petty as it may sound, seeing the B+ actually was rather discouraging and disappointing to me. I never considered myself to be falling behind in OPIM, so I never worried excessively about it. I understood the material and consider myself quite the stable student; I didn't fluctuate between being a genius and being completely clueless in the course. Given how discouraging this grade was, I talked to two of my GCC brothers and sisters who I thought would understand, and who I knew would be able and willing to speak God's truth into my life.
They were so tremendously encouraging. My brother reminded me that when God sees my life and how I live it out, the grades that I receive are just a very small part of what He can do in my life. Similarly, my sister reminded me that this grade, which was not a good indication of how the course has stretched my understanding, should not deter me from pursuing the challenges that define me and a life where I achieve the most.
And they're right. Their simple truths were so incredibly encouraging, and I certainly feel much better now. By taking the time to empathize with my disappointment and invest their godly wisdom into my life, they have made me feel quite like a princess.
I'm listening to the Ultimate Disney Princess Song Collection right now. :)
God is so good to provide people in our lives who can invest into us, and people into the lives of whom we ourselves can also invest. ^__^
First, my little sister Anna's birthday was today! I woke up at 7AM and made the best pancakes that I have EVER made to greet her with a hearty breakfast. After I dropped Anna and our brother Daniel off at the bus stop, I chilled at home for about twenty minutes before starting out, armed with bottled water, on the 3 mile journey to Best Buy and Harris Teeter.
We (I bought it with my parents' money) got her an 8GB pink Sony Walkman mp3 player for the discounted price of $75! WHOA! Crazy what coolness you can find at your neighborhood Best Buy.
Then I crossed the street to buy three dozen Krispy Kreme donuts. You can imagine how ridiculous I must've looked to the drivers on the busy road as I walked back with my three boxes of Krispy Kremes and my wristlet and plastic Best Buy bag dangling from my arm.
I was really blessed to be able to eat lunch with Anna in her elementary school cafeteria, even if I did get yelled at by the cafeteria lady twice. The first time was because I started passing out the doughnuts to her class before the cups turned from red to green (meaning they could actually talk and have treats). The second time was because I sat down at the end of the table with the little girls, which I'm actually not supposed to do because they don't have enough seats for all the children and as such need visitors and their student hosts to sit at the overflow tables on the other side of the cafeteria. I don't remember cafeterias having so many rules, really. O.o
The kids thought I was a walking comedy show. When they were throwing their trays away one of the boys ran up to Anna and said, "YOUR SISTER IS SO AWESOME!" I was actually quite flattered. One of Anna's guy friends is taller than me. And he's in fourth grade. Meh.
Anna was excited about the special treatment and all the extra attention she was getting for having a much older sister who talks really fast and acts crazy in the cafeteria. I was excited that she was excited.
After Operation Anna Birthday Lunch ended with their lunch period at 11:55AM, I walked the two miles back home and began putting together songs for Anna's mp3 player. I promptly fell asleep two hours later and woke up in time to pick Anna and Daniel up from the bus stop at 4:15PM.
I hope that Anna's 10th birthday was memorable. Before I tucked her in at night I talked with her about the growing pains that she's feeling right now, especially when it comes to her relationship with our parents. I'm really thankful that God brought me home for this summer because I think it's a crucial time for Anna. I always worry that she feels like she's falling through the cracks of my family's busy lives, so I'm glad that God is giving me an opportunity to truly invest into her life close to home.
So Anna is one princess.
I am the second, and under uncanny circumstances.
You see, my 4.0 went out the window today with my B+ in OPIM. I'm not typically the person to freak out and analyze every little grade, but this one is significant because there's an important lesson that God's teaching me in this.
One of my blog posts earlier this year mentioned my desire to do well in my courses this past semester so that I could show myself that I could manage six courses for the rest of my Penn career. In order to get my two degrees in four years without making my parents pay extra for summer sessions, I'm going to have to take six classes a semester, and I started that this past semester.
OPIM isn't a class that I feel like I "fell behind in" because of my courseload. I actually think that OPIM was a wonderfully challenging course that stretched me to think, and think hard. I thought I understood the concepts pretty well, at least well enough to explain them to others when necessary. Because of this, I was really surprised today when I found out that 60% of my grade ended up being a 24/30, the average of my two exam grades. This put me under the A- range that I'd really been hoping for, and into the B+ range. So with the three grades for this semester that have been posted thus far, I have a GPA of 3.77. With the eight grades that I have so far for this year, I have a 3.91. That doesn't have a 4 or an 0 in it.
It might seem like I'm just moping about grades. How does all of this make me a princess?
Well, as petty as it may sound, seeing the B+ actually was rather discouraging and disappointing to me. I never considered myself to be falling behind in OPIM, so I never worried excessively about it. I understood the material and consider myself quite the stable student; I didn't fluctuate between being a genius and being completely clueless in the course. Given how discouraging this grade was, I talked to two of my GCC brothers and sisters who I thought would understand, and who I knew would be able and willing to speak God's truth into my life.
They were so tremendously encouraging. My brother reminded me that when God sees my life and how I live it out, the grades that I receive are just a very small part of what He can do in my life. Similarly, my sister reminded me that this grade, which was not a good indication of how the course has stretched my understanding, should not deter me from pursuing the challenges that define me and a life where I achieve the most.
And they're right. Their simple truths were so incredibly encouraging, and I certainly feel much better now. By taking the time to empathize with my disappointment and invest their godly wisdom into my life, they have made me feel quite like a princess.
I'm listening to the Ultimate Disney Princess Song Collection right now. :)
God is so good to provide people in our lives who can invest into us, and people into the lives of whom we ourselves can also invest. ^__^
11:31 PM |
Wednesday, May 12, 2010My little sister turns double-digits tomorrow. It's the big 1-0!
What this means for me:
6:30AM- Climb out of bed to make pancakes! If I cannot find chocolate chips in the refrigerator I will melt the York Peppermint Patties that she loves so much and drop a few in the batter.
7:30AM- Wake up the birthday girl (and our little brother) so that she can enjoy said pancakes.
8:20AM- Send birthday girl and Daniel to the bus stop.
8:30AM- Check email for a reply from birthday girl's 4th grade teacher about the birthday surprise.
8:35AM- Eat a hearty breakfast to prepare for busy day.
9:20AM- Leave house and walk two and a half miles to Best Buy.
10:00AM- Once Best Buy opens, walk into the store to purchase a brand new 8GB Sony mp3 player for the birthday girl!
10:20AM- Walk across the street to Harris Teeter to purchase thirty-six Krispy Kreme donuts.
10:30AM- Leave Harris Teeter to walk to the birthday girl's elementary school.
11:05AM- Arrive at elementary school and sign in as a visitor.
11:10AM- SURPRISE ANNA!
11:30AM- Eat lunch with Anna in elementary school cafeteria.
12:05PM- Sign out at the front office and walk two miles back home in 89 degree heat.
Praise the Lord for getting home in time for Anna's birthday. :)
What this means for me:
6:30AM- Climb out of bed to make pancakes! If I cannot find chocolate chips in the refrigerator I will melt the York Peppermint Patties that she loves so much and drop a few in the batter.
7:30AM- Wake up the birthday girl (and our little brother) so that she can enjoy said pancakes.
8:20AM- Send birthday girl and Daniel to the bus stop.
8:30AM- Check email for a reply from birthday girl's 4th grade teacher about the birthday surprise.
8:35AM- Eat a hearty breakfast to prepare for busy day.
9:20AM- Leave house and walk two and a half miles to Best Buy.
10:00AM- Once Best Buy opens, walk into the store to purchase a brand new 8GB Sony mp3 player for the birthday girl!
10:20AM- Walk across the street to Harris Teeter to purchase thirty-six Krispy Kreme donuts.
10:30AM- Leave Harris Teeter to walk to the birthday girl's elementary school.
11:05AM- Arrive at elementary school and sign in as a visitor.
11:10AM- SURPRISE ANNA!
11:30AM- Eat lunch with Anna in elementary school cafeteria.
12:05PM- Sign out at the front office and walk two miles back home in 89 degree heat.
Praise the Lord for getting home in time for Anna's birthday. :)
10:46 PM |
Tuesday, May 11, 2010My sister and childhood best friend Sarah, a prayer warrior in her ongoing battle against leukemia, has been able to EAT! :D
This is truly such a blessing for me to hear. I am so blessed that God has been moving tremendously in her life and has been proving Himself faithful to her and all of us who are blessed to know her.
Recently it was three Oreos. She also had a juicy pear a little while ago.
I am sharpening up my baking skills so that I can bring her yummy baked goods when I visit her over the summer. :3
Praise the Lord for the way that He loves and provides for His children. :)
This is truly such a blessing for me to hear. I am so blessed that God has been moving tremendously in her life and has been proving Himself faithful to her and all of us who are blessed to know her.
Recently it was three Oreos. She also had a juicy pear a little while ago.
I am sharpening up my baking skills so that I can bring her yummy baked goods when I visit her over the summer. :3
Praise the Lord for the way that He loves and provides for His children. :)
7:15 PM |
