Wednesday, September 1, 2010I've never been good at saying goodbye. Even going into my fourth year living away from home, my heart is still aching, my nose is still running, my eyes are still tearing up, at the thought of leaving home.
I remember whenever I used to leave for Science and Math, my mom would tease me to get me to stop crying. "Save your tears, Cindy. You know you're going to have a great time." The first day that she and Daddy dropped me off at NCSSM, she told me she wouldn't miss me, because she knew I was going to be just fine, I was going to completely enjoy myself. The thought was comforting.
And she was right.
For me, the pain after parting is seldom as strong as the pain right before doing so. After saying goodbye, another exciting world was just a planeride or busride away. So it was during NCSSM, so it was during freshmen year, and so it will be during sophomore year.
Or will it?
I've been looking forward to this year all summer. I've told myself that freshmen year is just a preview; the college journey truly begins during sophomore year. And I'm taking full advantage of the journey. I'm taking six courses, half in the College and half in Wharton. I have two interviews lined up for an on-campus job, two leadership positions that I'm devoted to, and an incoming freshmen class at GCC that I'm excited to welcome, love, and serve. I feel like the true college experience has only just begun.
At the same time, I'm honestly quite terrified. Everybody talks about the sophomore slump like it's this inevitable, yet highly overrated experience. I've brushed it off by saying that I'm not like that, I've dealt with the only child syndrome before, I've found my sense of self-worth in more than other people's pampering and attention, and I'm self-sufficient.
But deep down, I'm nervous.
This is a year that counts. The previews are over, the movie's beginning, and the critics are judging. I feel like the pressure at Wharton is finally starting to sink in. I know it seems really superficial, but I worry about not being in the right school, not taking the right classes or working toward the right concentration. I feel like I've carried this image of being so put together, so on top of things, so confident, but when push comes to shove, I'm scared everything will just blow up in my face.
Before I left Penn in May, I shared my prayer requests with my sisters in GCC 2013. I told them about my plans for the summer, to fundraise for my friend Sarah, and I told them my biggest prayer request was that God would grow me this summer. I think back then, in my mind, I had something really huge planned. I thought I would be doing my devotions for at least an hour each day, leading a Bible study at my home church, serving joyfully every week in the preschool ministry, serving my family at home.
God had something a lot more humbling planned for me. I think He was trying to show me that the reason I couldn't achieve all that I'd listed in my mind this summer spiritually, was because I was a lot farther than I thought I was from where I'd wanted to be. I was a lot more damaged and broken, prideful and sinful, than I was willing to admit, even to myself. Thus, even my summer goals were just a bit too high. When it came down to it, my expectations of myself were too high.
While that may seem like a lack of faith in the way that God can transform people, quite honestly, I think of it as God's lesson to me in humility. There were times during my summer when I asked God why He didn't work the way I'd prayed for Him to. I asked God why He didn't transform my heart the way I'd wanted Him to.
And right now, at the end of the summer, I feel like He's put His finger on the areas of my heart where I've obviously not surrendered over to Him. My aspirations, my academics, my social interactions, my sense of self-worth, my insecurities, my fears, my hopes, my dreams, my will.
I was packing a bit earlier and I really couldn't take the nervousness anymore. I think being at home for almost four months has made me forget how I ever survived away from it. Again, it sounds silly because this will be the fourth year that I've studied away from home, but once again, I couldn't imagine how I'll ever manage.
I told myself that at times like these, the only thing you can really do is just rest in Christ. I think atheists would scorn this as weakness- running into the arms of the Highest Power during times of earthly distress- but I consider it a much-needed expression of humility.
And no, the two are not the same thing.
I'm learning bit by bit to acknowledge my weaknesses and recognize that in my weakness is the beginning of God's perfect work.
Praise God for being the Rock we can rely on.
I remember whenever I used to leave for Science and Math, my mom would tease me to get me to stop crying. "Save your tears, Cindy. You know you're going to have a great time." The first day that she and Daddy dropped me off at NCSSM, she told me she wouldn't miss me, because she knew I was going to be just fine, I was going to completely enjoy myself. The thought was comforting.
And she was right.
For me, the pain after parting is seldom as strong as the pain right before doing so. After saying goodbye, another exciting world was just a planeride or busride away. So it was during NCSSM, so it was during freshmen year, and so it will be during sophomore year.
Or will it?
I've been looking forward to this year all summer. I've told myself that freshmen year is just a preview; the college journey truly begins during sophomore year. And I'm taking full advantage of the journey. I'm taking six courses, half in the College and half in Wharton. I have two interviews lined up for an on-campus job, two leadership positions that I'm devoted to, and an incoming freshmen class at GCC that I'm excited to welcome, love, and serve. I feel like the true college experience has only just begun.
At the same time, I'm honestly quite terrified. Everybody talks about the sophomore slump like it's this inevitable, yet highly overrated experience. I've brushed it off by saying that I'm not like that, I've dealt with the only child syndrome before, I've found my sense of self-worth in more than other people's pampering and attention, and I'm self-sufficient.
But deep down, I'm nervous.
This is a year that counts. The previews are over, the movie's beginning, and the critics are judging. I feel like the pressure at Wharton is finally starting to sink in. I know it seems really superficial, but I worry about not being in the right school, not taking the right classes or working toward the right concentration. I feel like I've carried this image of being so put together, so on top of things, so confident, but when push comes to shove, I'm scared everything will just blow up in my face.
Before I left Penn in May, I shared my prayer requests with my sisters in GCC 2013. I told them about my plans for the summer, to fundraise for my friend Sarah, and I told them my biggest prayer request was that God would grow me this summer. I think back then, in my mind, I had something really huge planned. I thought I would be doing my devotions for at least an hour each day, leading a Bible study at my home church, serving joyfully every week in the preschool ministry, serving my family at home.
God had something a lot more humbling planned for me. I think He was trying to show me that the reason I couldn't achieve all that I'd listed in my mind this summer spiritually, was because I was a lot farther than I thought I was from where I'd wanted to be. I was a lot more damaged and broken, prideful and sinful, than I was willing to admit, even to myself. Thus, even my summer goals were just a bit too high. When it came down to it, my expectations of myself were too high.
While that may seem like a lack of faith in the way that God can transform people, quite honestly, I think of it as God's lesson to me in humility. There were times during my summer when I asked God why He didn't work the way I'd prayed for Him to. I asked God why He didn't transform my heart the way I'd wanted Him to.
And right now, at the end of the summer, I feel like He's put His finger on the areas of my heart where I've obviously not surrendered over to Him. My aspirations, my academics, my social interactions, my sense of self-worth, my insecurities, my fears, my hopes, my dreams, my will.
I was packing a bit earlier and I really couldn't take the nervousness anymore. I think being at home for almost four months has made me forget how I ever survived away from it. Again, it sounds silly because this will be the fourth year that I've studied away from home, but once again, I couldn't imagine how I'll ever manage.
I told myself that at times like these, the only thing you can really do is just rest in Christ. I think atheists would scorn this as weakness- running into the arms of the Highest Power during times of earthly distress- but I consider it a much-needed expression of humility.
And no, the two are not the same thing.
I'm learning bit by bit to acknowledge my weaknesses and recognize that in my weakness is the beginning of God's perfect work.
Praise God for being the Rock we can rely on.
9:59 PM |
